So, in the end..

People will leave, no matter what they say.

Am I angry? Resentful? Disappointed? It’s hard to admit it, but I feel that I am. I feel that I am being let down. After assuring me…

that he/she will make up for it once everything is resolved from his/her end.

I guess, now, things here at my end no longer serve much purpose.

In the end, this experience may be teaching me a bitter lesson that I should prioritize my own self interests more.

I must tell myself

People move on. People pave paths and when it leads further, I must weigh in if looking back will serve them much benefit.

If not, I shouldn’t expect them to and shouldn’t put too much consideration on having my own path cause inconvenience to theirs.

Cause in the end, being resentful of them moving forward without me, will only paint me the villain

And ultimately, will serve no benefit for me.

I’m having chest pains. Like for some reason, I feel a tightness on the left side of my chest, right on top of where I believe my heart is…

It can’t be what I think it is, right?

Rethink, reinvent, redefine myself

I am easily distracted,

easily anxious,

and easily indisposed.

I need to pick the pieces and put myself together..

I know this could be one of those highs again when I try to rekindle whatever fire’s left inside me. But I’m glad I still can. I know other people are already tired of my ups-and-downs, but I can’t join the despair.

If I can’t count on myself, then I have no one.

It’s okay, I tell myself.

Let’s take things slow. Let’s go at it one by one, from the bottom, if need be.

What of myself do I want to gain back?

I have always love reading, since I was small, more than anything. I should carry my Kindle more often.

I need to enjoy working out again for a healthy and fit body. It doesn’t matter if I love eating. I believe I can balance both.

I want to enjoy studying and learning again. I should enroll to classes again like foreign languages or even that Accounting for Non-Accountants course I saw online.

I want a longer wake time to do more things. I should work on my sleep schedule and alarms.

Should I try and write again? Maybe some essays or even a fiction. Who knows. I shouldn’t limit myself.

Maybe join random workshops and seminars again like that calligraphy workshop I used to do even on my own.

Possibilities are still endless.

Yes, it’s not the end. Yet.

This is the day…

I will have to face what happened.

I couldn’t fall asleep last night. So I caught up with some of my backlogs, and now my brain is a bit slow.

For some reason, I think my lack of sleep is helping me. My brain is slower and there’s this numb feeling. Somehow my nerves are not hyperactive.

It’s the feeling of surrender.

My friend told me, “charge to experience. Everyone makes mistakes in some point in their career.” And somehow, his advice makes sense.

I wanted to run away or disappear, altogether.

I’m glad I overcame that feeling earlier.

My tribulation is not yet over though..

The morning is still starting.

I hope I can last the day…

fight or flight response

I thought I already was in the lowest point of my work life before…

But… I think today is THE lowest point of my work life.

I am so upset, to the point I would rat myself out to every colleague I met, that maybe I’ll soon be suspended or I should just resign for my blunder.

I sometimes get distracted and go back to laughing along with others, but it remained at the back of my mind, whispering of my impending professional doom.

You would think I maybe just exaggerating…

I hope I am. I REALLY hope I’m just blowing everything out of proportion. But…

Unfortunately, because of my blunder, I may cause great distress to another person and to her family or friends.

Knowing that there’s no saving of the situation, my mind moved fast forward: of what would likely happen, what consequences I would have to face, the upset faces I have to bow down upon in shame, and the trouble I would cause to my Boss.

I now question my worth. Do I deserve to be here?

Am I competent?

Is this where I’m supposed to be?

Will my Boss look at me full of disappointment and regrets?

I don’t know. I fear finding out.

You would think I have the options:

To write an apology letter with admission of my guilt in failing what I ought to have accomplish and wait for the administrative action

Or

To write a resignation letter?

I am so ashamed.

The least I want to do is bother other people…

But my blunder…

Monday comes.

I feel so miserable.

Ironic how much I just want to leave or disappear

and tell everybody,

wake me up when September ends…

I think…

I need a break.

I think…

I need to stop, let go, and breathe.

I think…

I need to fail today.

I think…

I need to let myself fall and seek help.

I know…

Something’s really wrong with me.

I feel…

The tears welling in my eyes.

I know…

I need to seek help.

So that…

I can be assured that I’ll be okay tomorrow.

Time… is all we need

—For the confusion to die down.

—For the strong emotions to calm.

—For wounds to heal.

—For grief to turn to acceptance.

—For us to heal.

And laugh again over silly conversations.

Overlooking our dear sister’s grave, we put back the pieces together, using funny tales and relatable experiences, for the time we lost and a future we will still have.

Our laughs echoed at the desolate cemetery.

We were there not to grieve, but to remember what it was like being a family.

And I’m sure our sister laughed with us.

And so was Mama.

Together… again. Siblings.

Are we in the wrong?

This has been a consistent question in the minds of my friend and I. All this time, are we in the wrong? And we go back and forth between yes and no as we both debunk the arguments between the easy answer.

What’s the easy answer, you ask?

It’s “yes”.

Why is it the easy answer? Simply because it would mean conforming to our environment, to the people surrounding us – no, to be precise – the people suffocating us, pushing us to a corner, isolating us without remorse.

Why is it so hard to do what’s right, what’s essentially is on black and white?

My friend and I have dove into a new challenge. We thought it wouldn’t be so hard as the procedures is already established, the system – although antiquated in this era of technology – is long running, and the guiding policies are all have been in black and white.

New to this, we devoured all that we can learn and research by ourselves of these new tasks we had to face, adapting as fast as we could, developing a new system using technology with a vision that we will soon be able to smoothly transition and maneuver in this new area we are assigned to.

We kept to our lane, striving to be indifferent to what was essentially outside our responsibilities, and being apathetic to the self-interests of others. But still many were not happy.

It seems like in this environment, just seeing us breathing and moving, is offensive to others. If only they could ignore us as much as we have ignored them.

Go run your own paths. Our destination is elsewhere.

As we learned the policies and processes of our tasks, we were shocked on how everyone has deviated from them. We struggled to re-read what we have learned if could there have been misinterpretation from our end but if “outside of” is not allowed, why have they allowed it? If the data should be completely provided of, why is an absence allowed? Why compensate when there’s doubt as to the legitimacy of the claim?

And why are we wrong if our basis is right?

Why are they hating on us when we merely asks to be provided for what is lacking?

Why are we to be blamed for the delay when they are the ones not on time?

Why are we in the wrong?