I couldn’t sleep. 04:08 A.M.

The memories of my mother dying in a public hospital haunts me. The mother who always made sure we are comfortable. The mother who always have us admitted in the best facility, if possible; aircon rooms, soft beds, soft pillows, plenty of food. The mother who always watch us to sleep; fan us when hot, tuck us from mosquitoes.

She died in the most pathetic circumstances.

In a public hospital. In a ward. A hot ward, with hundreds of other patients of different ailments.

In a ward, where I witnessed three code blues, two deaths and heard the pained moans of patients and the desperate cries of families.

It was the worst place for my mother to be in her dying moments.

Even a woman as strong and optimistic like my mother, would falter at such environment…

And I… I was not able to do anything to turn her circumstances any better.

I even broke my promise to her. I was selfish at the expense of her wellbeing. I didn’t spare her from pain.

Like what she wanted me to… months before everything turned for the worse.

I still feel bad bout it until now. I am still full of guilt. Mother knows best. I should have listened to her, and followed her wishes.

Everyone thought I was “brave” to have stayed beside her as they forced the tube through her mouth. But I was not. I was not brave.

If I were brave, at that point, I should’ve been brave enough to accept that it’s time for her to go. That I shouldn’t force it upon her, cause she knew what was coming. I KNEW what was coming. She told me.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t let her go.

And that only made it very painful for her.

That moment, when she was to be transferred to the ICU, and the last conscious moment we saw of her was her tears falling quietly, many thought it’s because she sees us her children panicking.

But at that time, my guilt told me that was her tears of the pain being forced to live and tortured with that tube through her throat to the stomach.

She didn’t deserve that pain..

She didn’t deserve to suffer on her last moments. She was supposed to go with a peaceful painless smile on her face…

I was not able to give her that…

I failed.