It has been two years since the loss of my mother and I thought I have move on. But I still find myself crying all of the sudden in the middle of the night. Grieving. Missing her. Not accepting that she’s really gone. I was never a teary person before, not so much after my little sister’s death, but my Mom changed that. Anything could make me cry. Movies, music, books, or even just a glance of someone or something that reminds me of her. But at a second glance, it barely looks anything like her.
They say that when people die, some don’t pass through successfully and become lost souls.. But how can the living claim anything about the dead? What do they know of something they have not experienced yet? Are they not actually really talking about the living? About the people left behind?
After my mom’s death, I thought life goes on, time still flows, and I still have a future to go to. My Mom, months before her death, always asked me what my plans are. Screening me with then hypothetical questions of what if‘s, generally what if she died. I was so confident back then that I can handle myself, I have a direction. But that was just my denial playing out. Arrogant. Naive. Ignorant. Now, her fear has been realized. I really did thought I have a clear direction of where I’m going. But it all seem delusions now. I’m lost. I’m trapped. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go, I’m not sure where I’m at and if the path I’m facing now, is it really a path? Or have I been just standing and staring into an empty expanse of nowhere the whole time?
We’re they really talking about the dead?
Aren’t we the living, left behind, the real lost souls?
I miss my Mom..
I really miss her a lot.
But wherever I go, whether I take a step to the so-called future or stop here and jump to death, will I ever meet her again?
Or were those times I wasted locking in my room the only opportunity I had for more time with her?
I’m beginning to fall…